The Illusion of Control

I used to think negotiations were about having the strongest arguments, the best data, the most compelling logic. I was wrong. The real secret isn't about being in control at all. It's about making the other person feel like they are.

This revelation came to me after watching countless negotiations fall apart because someone felt cornered, pushed around, or steamrolled. People need to feel like they have agency in any conversation that matters to them. When they feel powerless, they become impossible to work with. But when they feel in control? Magic happens.

The Power of Two Simple Words

The foundation of this approach lies in how you frame your questions. Instead of making demands or statements, you shift everything to questions that begin with "what" or "how." These two words transform the entire dynamic of any conversation.

"What" and "how" questions do something fascinating to our brains. They automatically engage our problem-solving mode rather than our defensive mode. When someone asks you "What would you need to make this work?" your mind immediately starts searching for solutions. When they demand "You need to make this work," your brain starts building walls.

But here's where it gets really interesting. You can use these questions as the most elegant way to say no that I've ever discovered.

The Gentle Art of Saying No

Picture this scenario. Someone makes a request that you simply cannot accommodate. Your instinct might be to say "I can't do that" or "That's impossible." Both responses tend to create tension and often lead to arguments about why you should be able to do it anyway.

Instead, try asking, "How am I supposed to do that?"

This question accomplishes several things simultaneously. You're not directly refusing, so you avoid triggering their defensive response. You're making them consider your position and constraints before they respond. Most importantly, you're putting them in the position of having to solve the problem they've created rather than simply demanding you figure it out.

I worked with someone recently who felt completely overwhelmed by her workload. Every time her company called with more projects, she felt trapped into saying yes because she needed the work. But she was drowning. We practiced having her respond to new requests with this simple question: "How am I supposed to do that?"

The result surprised everyone, including her. Instead of pushing back or getting angry, her contacts paused. They thought about her situation. In many cases, they came back with, "You're right, you can't. Let us figure out a different approach."

Testing the Waters

This technique also serves as a perfect way to test whether you've pushed as far as you can on any particular point. When you ask "How am I supposed to do that?" and get an angry response like "Because you have to if you want this deal," you've learned something valuable. You've found their absolute limit on that issue.

That frustrated response isn't them walking away. It's not them ending the negotiation. It's them telling you they have no more room to move on this particular point, and they're doing it without either of you having to storm out of the room.

A real estate agent I know was working on a particularly challenging lease negotiation for an expensive property. The terms seemed almost impossible to meet. The first time she asked, "How are we supposed to do that?" the other agent immediately backed down on several requirements. When they hit another seemingly immovable obstacle later in the conversation, she used the same question. This time, the response was sharp: "If you want the house, you're going to have to accept this."

That told her everything she needed to know. She'd gotten every concession available on the other terms, but this one was truly non-negotiable. Instead of continuing to push and potentially damaging the relationship, she could make an informed decision about whether to accept or walk away.

The Psychology Behind Control

Why does this work so well? Because people desperately need to feel like they have control, especially in high-stakes conversations. When someone feels like they're being railroaded or manipulated, they become defensive, stubborn, and sometimes vindictive. Even if they agree to your terms in the moment, they'll often find ways to make implementation difficult later.

But when they feel like they're part of the problem-solving process, when they feel like they have agency in finding solutions, everything changes. They become collaborators instead of adversaries.

The "how am I supposed to do that" question forces what I call tactical empathy. You're not just asking them to consider your perspective; you're making it impossible for them to respond thoughtfully without actually stepping into your shoes first. They have to see your constraints, your challenges, your limitations before they can give you a meaningful answer.

Beyond the Technique

This approach works because it's based on genuine respect for the other person's intelligence and humanity. You're not trying to trick them or manipulate them into giving you what you want. You're inviting them to help solve a mutual problem.

The most successful negotiations I've witnessed weren't battles where one side conquered the other. They were collaborative problem-solving sessions where both parties felt heard, understood, and respected throughout the process.

When you give someone the illusion of control through thoughtful questioning, you're actually giving them real control over how they respond to your situation. And when people feel genuinely empowered in a conversation, they almost always choose to be more helpful, more creative, and more generous than they would if they felt backed into a corner.

Making It Work for You

Start practicing this in low-stakes conversations first. When someone makes a request that feels unreasonable, resist the urge to explain why you can't do it. Instead, ask them how they think you should handle it. Watch what happens to the entire tone of the conversation.

You'll quickly discover that giving up the need to be obviously in control often gives you more actual influence than you ever had when you were trying to force outcomes. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is ask the right question and then listen carefully to what happens next.

The next time you're in any kind of negotiation, remember that the person who feels most in control is often the one most willing to find a solution that works for everyone. And sometimes, the best way to get what you need is to help them feel like the process was entirely their idea.